A Place Called Upendi
by conspiredfate
Summary: What happens when the nothingness turns out to be something quite different than what our heros, L and Light, expect? And what's up with the crazy baboon with a stick? [Hopefully better than it sounds. CRACK FIC. LLight?] Teeny bit of a songfic.


This will most likely be the CRACKIEST and WEIRDEST thing you have ever read in Death Note fanfiction. This was a challenge given to me by my dear friend **afinemess**- to come up with the crackiest thing with my OTP and a Disney song. And this is the product. Not complete; look for chapter 2… sometime in the possibly-near-or-something-close-to-it future!

Warnings: OOCness?, swearing, and yaoi to come.

Disclaimer: I do not own the song Upendi, Lion King II or Death Note.

* * *

**_IN UPENDI_**

1. Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick

"L!" Light gasped as he looked upon the shimmering see-through figure of his old rival and lover. Er, ex-lover, rather, seeing as Light _had_ been the cause of his rather untimely heart attack, though it _was _indirect, so maybe he didn't harbor any bad feelings…?

"Hello murderer." L said brightly.

Right, scrap that idea. Light heaved himself to his…feet? He was see-through so it was kind of hard to tell.

"Oh L, I'm so sorry, for everything." Light gushed. Sure, it was cheesy, but if this insomniac was going to be with him for the rest of eternity, he might as well try and get on his good side.

"You're trying too hard, Light-kun." L replied, deadpan as always. Light scowled, but said nothing else. They glared at each other for the next few minutes, but when Matsuda knocked down the warehouse door to sob over Light's…dead…body… it was rather unnerving, so Light turned to L and said,

"So…what now?"

"Now, we go to Mu, the _nothingness_," L said dramatically. "Where all humans are equal."

"Joy."

And together, with clasped hands, they journeyed to Mu, sparkling as they went.

…Only, L didn't remember Mu as being on the African savannah.

"_This _is Mu? You call this nothingness? L, I knew you were kind of screwy in the head, but-"

"This is not Mu, Light-kun." L began, only to be interrupted by a baboon with a butt as blue as the depths of the ocean, and the corners of the sky, carrying a walking stick twice its size.

"You bet it isn't! But if you follow old Rafiki, you will be in a much better place!" so saying, the baboon laughed hysterically before speeding off into the trees.

…

"What are the chances that I just dreamt that a baboon came and spoke to me?" Light asked, eyebrow twitching.

"Normally it would be around 77.6 percent, taking in the fact that you have just undergone interdimensional travel, but that would mean that I shared the exact same dream, and there is truthfully only a 5.6 percent of that."

"5.6 percent was enough for you to imprison me as Kira." Light noted dryly.

"Ah, but you were Kira, weren't you?"

Before Light could retort, a large object was heaved at his skull with immense force. The azure butted baboon screeched in his ear.

"YOU FOLLOW OLD RAFIKI, HE KNOWS THE WAY!"

"GOD DAMMIT I DON'T TALK TO BABOONS!" Light howled. "I'M BETTER THAN THAT!"

"Ah, but you just did?" the baboon laughed its crazy, hysterical laugh, and L snickered beside him. Until the baboon chose to whack him on the head too.

"_That HURT_! Would you desist in your actions, you blue buttocked papio cynocephalus?" L complained, rubbing his head.

"Not until you follow old Rafiki!"

"Where are you going to take us? And why do you refer to yourself in the third person?"

"You will see, you will see!" cackled the baboon. It was then that Light noticed the strange resemblance this baboon bore to Gollum, from those Lord of the Rings films he had seen once.

"L, are you having a conversation with a baboon?" Light asked incredulously.

"It's certainly more entertaining than talking to you, Yagami-kun."

Burn. Would you like some ice with that BURN? Well, maybe the baboon had some shoved up his rear- that would explain the coloration.

The baboon screeched again. Perhaps it was not wise to anger something with such a big stick.

"FOLLOW OLD RAFIKI OR ELSE!"

"You know, Light-kun, I think it's best we follow the baboon."

"Do you think any good can come out of this, L? Following a _monkey_?"

"A baboon, Light-kun. Not a monkey. Baboons possess a catarrhine hook nose, pointing downwards, while monkeys have platyrrhine noses, with an upward sland. Baboons also have diastema in their canines, further differentiating them from the monkey category which you so crudely included them in."

"…L, what makes you think I care about the difference between a monkey and a baboon when we have more pressing matters, like _where the hell are we?!_"

"Well if you're going to spend eternity with me Light-kun, I request you have _some _knowledge so as to provide intelligent conversation."

They bickered for a few moments, until suddenly, everything went black.

Somewhere above them, the cackling of an evil blue-butted monkey- BABOON, excuse me- resonated in the silence.

- - -

Green. Red. Pink. _Lots_ and_ lots_ of pink.

"Light-kun did we somehow end up in your closet?" L asked bleary eyed.

"Go die, L." Light grumbled.

"You've already taken care of that, Light-kun, thanks." L replied cheerily, looking around at their surroundings. "Although, if you were supposed to go to hell, did you have to bring me with you?"

"Now that you mention it, that baboon did look rather satanic…"

"WELCOME, TO UPENDI!" Screamed a voice behind them, startling them both so much that they fell down…down…and landed on a huge leaf that somehow managed to float in the water despite carrying the weight of two men in their twenties.

"Welcome to _what_?"

Suddenly, the baboon was behind them, and somehow the leaf supported his fat cerulean ass too, and then, dear god, he started _singing._

_There's a place where the crazy moon  
Makes the monkeys sing and the baboons swoon  
And the sultry scent of the lotus bloom  
Will carry you away_

"I think I'm going to sneeze," Light said nasally, "I'm allergic to lotus."

"You know, I think I've seen this place before," L noted, amused, "that one time I hit my head particularly hard on that rock and ended up in a coma… only this is scarier. Sort of like a disney movie I watched once."

"You think we're in a_ Disney movie_?"

"It is 14 percent likely, Light-kun. And you will notice, even in a children's movie the difference between monkeys and baboons is made clear… shameful that you aren't well informed in this subject, Light-kun. And I expected so much from you. Is killing people really all you're good for?"

WHACK.

"Owie!" L rubbed his sore head again. "What was that for?"

The baboon glared down at him.

"We do not say the 'k' word in Upendi." He said darkly, before continuing with his song._  
_

_Where the hippos swing from the jungle vines  
And the rhino rhumba in a conga line  
And the pink flamingoes are intertwined  
As the stars come out to play!_

"You know, logically, by the weight and velocity those hippos are swinging at, that should not be possible. Plus, if you take in the likely strength of those vines, it is utterly impossible."

WHACK.

"OKAY, OKAY, I get it!"

* * *

Title comes from that famous quote, speak softly and carry a big stick. Totally fits Rafiki, huh? 

Oh, and all the facts about baboons are TRUE. As in I was nerd enough to look 'em up.

& that Gollum reference was because the line 'you will see, you will see' is from the Two Towers movie. Specifically from the scene where Gollum is leading Frodo into Shelobs Lair, I believe.

So, I hope your brain hurts from all that crackness, but not so that you can't leave a review. It's easy, just clicky that lavender button down there in the corner.

No flames, por favor. I know it's crack and I know it's stupid, so nyeh.

If you want actual substance to a story, read my other stories.

Oh, and totally check out **afinemess**'s HP/DM crack fic, because it's funnier than mine.

Sayonara!


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